Sunday, January 13, 2013

It's Time For A Change

I’m staring at a blank page. It is January 13, 2013.  My life is turning out to be not exactly what I expected. So it’s time to set some goals. This is going to be a year of change.  What is my ultimate goal?  Peace.  Peace of mind and peace in my heart.  A feeling of calm.  No more anxiety.  No more feeling like my head is going to explode from the stress.  I want to breathe again.  So here is what I am going to do…

Get myself through the first week of June—take my job in stride and do the best I can so that I can leave a good impression.  And then resign and leave the stress behind. Eight years has been enough.  My title will no longer be “middle school English teacher”. It will be whatever I want it to be.

Keep saving money--$500 a month, $10,000 by September 1st.  So that I can turn the page and have a cushion in order to look for and work in a job that doesn’t cause me anxiety and take away my free time, that doesn’t leave me completely drained at the end of the day. Something that lets me enjoy my life again.

Go back to school and get health insurance through UTSA.  Finish my master’s degree by December 2014. 

Start a family—it’s time to do it already.  Ready or not, here it comes. 

Get healthy and stay healthy—exercise 3-4 times a week.  Go to acupuncture.  Get realigned.  Eat right for my body.  Get out and get some fresh air a couple times a week.  Dance at least once a week.

Pray. Meditate. Everyday. Nothing and no one can harm me.  I am surrounded by white light.

Nurture friendships. Laugh.

Enjoy my time with Imad and be the best wife I can be. Love.

Travel again. 

I must find peace.

“What’s the use of running if you’re not on the right road?”….it’s time to get back on the right road again.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

My First Blog!...What? No More Kids? At All?

So a week ago yesterday (November 16), my husband of a little over three years shared with me that he has changed his mind about wanting children. 

We started out with all kinds of hopes and dreams, naive about what really faced us, and I believe that it is those struggles he has endured as an immigrant to the U.S. that have changed his mind.  He has had to start all over from being a respected teacher back home, and hasn't felt good about himself since the moment he got here. I've been the breadwinner this whole time.  It's been terrible, but we've managed to hold on to each other and love each other very much.

I turned 35 in August, and it was tough. I don't look it or feel it, but I am 35.  My husband is just a few years younger.  He will be 32 in February.  He is now in a job training program, and I thought that once he got a job we could start trying for a baby. I'm also saving money from a salary increase from my new job.  I thought all the cards were finally lining up, but then he told me his mind had changed.  I was and still am heartbroken. I can't imagine my life without children. 

After a few days of me not wanting to speak to him and staying away, we finally talked.  He told me he would understand if I couldn't accept his changed mind, but he was crying over the thought of it. We have been through so much together.  I dreamed of having children with him.  In some ways, I don't think he really wants this, but is scared of additional pressure on top of what he's already been through (it's been pretty bad).  He has cried at the thought of me leaving over this. 

I don't know what to do.  I have seriously thought of getting pregnant on "accident" because I feel like he would love a child no matter what.  I'm not sure how quickly that would work since I have only one fallopian tube.  But I know I can have children.  However, I have definitely decided to find a bank where I can freeze some of my eggs and give him until August to figure out if this is what he really wants. It would be some insurance for me, and this would be enough time for him to find his footing again, and hopefully find his confidence again.  It's been tough. 

Any ladies (or gents) with thoughts on this, or similar experiences?  This is my first time blogging, by the way. I just had to get my thoughts off my chest to someone uninvolved. Mom and sister and bestie have helped, but sometimes it helps to find others going through the same thing.