Saturday, November 24, 2012

My First Blog!...What? No More Kids? At All?

So a week ago yesterday (November 16), my husband of a little over three years shared with me that he has changed his mind about wanting children. 

We started out with all kinds of hopes and dreams, naive about what really faced us, and I believe that it is those struggles he has endured as an immigrant to the U.S. that have changed his mind.  He has had to start all over from being a respected teacher back home, and hasn't felt good about himself since the moment he got here. I've been the breadwinner this whole time.  It's been terrible, but we've managed to hold on to each other and love each other very much.

I turned 35 in August, and it was tough. I don't look it or feel it, but I am 35.  My husband is just a few years younger.  He will be 32 in February.  He is now in a job training program, and I thought that once he got a job we could start trying for a baby. I'm also saving money from a salary increase from my new job.  I thought all the cards were finally lining up, but then he told me his mind had changed.  I was and still am heartbroken. I can't imagine my life without children. 

After a few days of me not wanting to speak to him and staying away, we finally talked.  He told me he would understand if I couldn't accept his changed mind, but he was crying over the thought of it. We have been through so much together.  I dreamed of having children with him.  In some ways, I don't think he really wants this, but is scared of additional pressure on top of what he's already been through (it's been pretty bad).  He has cried at the thought of me leaving over this. 

I don't know what to do.  I have seriously thought of getting pregnant on "accident" because I feel like he would love a child no matter what.  I'm not sure how quickly that would work since I have only one fallopian tube.  But I know I can have children.  However, I have definitely decided to find a bank where I can freeze some of my eggs and give him until August to figure out if this is what he really wants. It would be some insurance for me, and this would be enough time for him to find his footing again, and hopefully find his confidence again.  It's been tough. 

Any ladies (or gents) with thoughts on this, or similar experiences?  This is my first time blogging, by the way. I just had to get my thoughts off my chest to someone uninvolved. Mom and sister and bestie have helped, but sometimes it helps to find others going through the same thing.



  1. Hi Samantha,
    I am going through the exact same situation right now. This year I will turn 35 and my husband 43- he has decided suddenly that he doesn't feel like having children. We have had many many fights since then- with no outcome..and it's been 5 months. I'm depressed and angry and just so tired from all this stress. I can't talk to anyone since no one is in the nightmare that I am did your story turn out?

  2. Oh, you're the first person to actually post a comment; I wasn't sure if my blog was even coming up in searches!

    Anyway, our story continues, but it hasn't been easy. It's been about 4 months by now for me, and it has been hard. I don't feel as close, but another woman I connected with on this subject said it best when she and her husband decided to part ways amicably. She said they wanted to separate with love before they started to hate each other.

    My husband and I do love each other, but I think we both know that our paths are soon to be very different, so I'm not sure what my future is going to look like. But I'm certain that children with him won't happen, as he has made up his mind. One place that I've found a lot of help in is this blog, which deals with this very issue with which we're struggling:

    I have started seeing a therapist, to have an objective set of eyes and ears, and it helps. I'm depressed and anxious (horrible job stress on top of it all just adds to my fatigue and emotional struggles), and have had to start on prescription meds as well, so hopefully between the meds and the therapy, I can find my way through this.

    So to answer your question, my story has yet to have a conclusion. If you can find an objective person, like a therapist, to talk to, that may help. How long have you been married/together?